I am an extrovert. I talk too much, make too much noise, like big parties and love crowds. I feed off the energy of big, boisterous crowds.
My wife Barbara is an introvert (boy, is she ever). She is quiet, isn’t fond of parties, and seriously hates crowds. Big crowds steal energy from her.
For many years, I didn’t understand the introvert/extrovert dynamic. I thought people were people, and everyone was kind of the same. No. Way.
Take parties (please). Barbara and I sometimes attend parties given by people we genuinely love. Before I met her, I’d go to parties and not look at the clock. The fun never ended. When we attend a party, if there are too many people there, she feels crowded. Barbara can relax at family parties because she knows everyone there.
This brings up the Introvert Time Limit Rule[tm]. I confess I made up that rule name. Early in our relationship, we’d attend events, parties, meetings, and she’d be tapping her foot after three hours. I called it the three-hour rule, she was often ready to leave by three hours. As our marriage progressed, the three-hour rule turned into the ninety-minute rule.
Now I get it (I think), when introverts plan to leave the house, they are already trying to figure how to return home as fast as possible. They love staying at home. The outside world is the enemy.
Once I dated a woman who I now realize had introvert tendencies. When we’d plan a visit to an event, she’d want to bring her own car, so she could leave as soon as possible. Or maybe she just didn’t want to be with me. Moving on…
I’m writing this during the 2020 Coronavirus Pandemic, and we’ve stayed home a great deal. Barbara has been practicing for this all of her life. I’m not going bonkers, I love our home, but we live on several acres, and I spend a lot of time doing yard work.
As for large crowds, I enjoy attending college football and basketball games. Now and then, Barbara attends a game with me and is usually in hell (presumably due to the game, not me). She enjoys the tailgate parties more than the games. Once, she was miserable when it was time to leave a tailgate party for a football game. I offered to drive her home, and she gleefully accepted (it wasn’t a league game). At a big football game a few years ago, late in the game, Auburn had a two-score lead while Alabama had the ball in scoring territory. The tension was off the charts. She said to me, “Doesn’t this noise bother you?” I said, “What noise?” Then I realized the crowd noise was deafening, and I loved it because I’m an extrovert (final score, Auburn 26, Alabama 14).
She prefers basketball games to football games for two reasons. First, basketball games are indoors, and next, the games don’t last as long. She told me these reasons, and I laughed.
Barbara will attend concerts because she loves music. However, she is perfectly happy sitting on the back row of a venue. I hate the back row; I want to be close to the action. I want to watch the musician’s hands. We take turns sitting near the back and the front at concerts.
Also, she enjoys church services, but the church we sometimes attend has several services weekly. Most of the services are in big rooms with a lot of parishioners, and one service is in a tiny chapel with small crowds. We attend the chapel service and sit near the back. We haven’t been lately due to the pandemic.
Until I started understanding introverts, I kept expecting Barbara to eventually loosen up, enjoy parties, look forward to football games, and to snap out of it. The more I learned, the more I realized I needed to change, not her.
A counselor friend, the great Tommy P from east Alabama, once told me that God played a joke on mankind by making introverts and extroverts attractive to each other. This marriage is the highlight of my life, so thank you, God!